THE BARRY DEAL IS OR ISN'T DEAD
The papers are split 50/50 on the Gareth Barry saga, with half of them believing Villa won't sell, and the other half saying Barry will insist on being allowed to move anyway. Despite Martin O'Neill saying Barry had agreed on Monday that he was happy to stay if no deal had been struck by last night. If true, is three days a new record for a player to change his mind after pledging to stay?
Oh, except The Sun, which is again backing Arsenal to swoop in with a player-exchange offer and land Barry.
We have no idea which way this one will go. But Liverpool are certainly scrabbling around for cash like a junkie down the back of the sofa, which means they're ready to flog...
...JERMAINE PENNANT TO BLACKBURN
Having got rid of a good Arsenal reject, Paul Ince intends to bring in a bad one. Jermaine Pennant is apparently a '£6m-rated winger' - we know - and Ince is happy to spend some of those notes that Spurs tossed in his general direction in securing the ex-con's signature.
SPURS TO SPEND £50m
Again according to most of the papers, who all seem to be sharing stories today, Spurs are ready to complete a £50m double swoop for Andrei Arshavin (look forward to Mediawatch, folks) and Roman Pavlyuchenko.
Whether that signals Dimitar Berbatov's exit or whether Spurs are just spending seriously big this summer remains to be seen.
IF THIS IS TRUE, WE'RE REALLY CONFUSED
The Daily Mail says Aston Villa and Pompey are both chasing £5m-rated Espanyol goalkeeper Carlos Kameni.
Now, given that Villa have just signed Brad Friedel and have Brad Guzan's work permit hearing tomorrow, we're not sure why they'd be interested. Nor do we think Kameni would be happy to sit on the bench behind David James, or vice-versa.
Perhaps the Mail are just trying to panic their readers into thinking another funny-coloured immigrant is on the way. They come over here, taking our jobs...
CHELSEA UNLIKELY TO LET SHEVCHENKO LEAVE
Having spent £30m on the world's best striker just to ruin him, Chelsea have no intention of letting him go and try to rebuild his career on a freebie. The Times says AC Milan wanted to snap him up, but the Stamford Bridge side have blocked the deal. Personally, the Gossip Column is sticking him as a wildcard in our fantasy team - who knows what Scolari will do with him?
THE 'FRENCH DEFENDERS IN MANCHESTER' SECTION
Manchester City and West Ham are both chasing Nancy defender Michael Chretien. As a chap who has to write headlines sometimes, the Gossip Column fully applauds the pursuit of someone whose surname looks a bit like 'cretin' from a club called Nancy.
As a chap who loves a good joke, the Gossip Column also fully applauds the news that Mikael Silvestre is planning on hanging around in Manchester until he gets a testimonial, despite interest from Paris St-Germain.
Mikael Silvestre. A decade at Manchester United. Who'd have thunk it?
THE 'FRENCH DEFENDERS NOT IN MANCHESTER' SECTION
Younes Kaboul is expected to complete his move to Pompey after Roy Keane announced last night that he wasn't going to be signing for Sunderland. We don't know which club should be happy and which should be sad.
Meanwhile, if you believe the Daily Mirror, Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp is to be offered £4m-a-year to become CSKA Moscow's new manager. Which deserves more than a line at the bottom of here, but there you go.
AND THE REST
Newcastle have been told they will have to pay £10million to land defender Fabricio Coloccini from Deportivo...Bristol City have agreed a £2million fee with Crewe for striker Nicky Maynard...Swindon will swoop for midfielder Lilian Nalis and Nigerian left-back Yinka Casal...Clinton Morrison and Stephen Wright are set to join Coventry on free transfers...Portsmouth are targeting Cameroon Under-23 international Eyong Enoh...Real Madrid youngster Dani Parejo is to join QPR on loan...Leicester have rejected a £500,000 bid from Norwich for striker Steve Howard...Sunderland could sign Celtic defender Bobo Balde on a one-year deal today.