FINAL BID FOR RONALDO?
By god, we've had so many 'final bids' and 'deadlines' in the transfer sagas of the summer that it's slightly difficult to take the story in The News Of The World entirely seriously, but what the hell.
The paper claims that Real Madrid are preparing a last, final, absolutely the end of the matter £60million bid for Cristiano Ronaldo, and seem to hang their story around quotes from Bernd Schuster:
"The club are working hard to get a solution. We knew it was going to be very complicated.
"It's not going to be easy for Ronaldo to come to Madrid but we will have to see."
And he went on to say: "Do I still want to sign Ronaldo? What a question. Of course I do. If you ask any coach that question then every single one of them would want Ronaldo. He is a great player. One of the best."
Meanwhile, The Sunday Telegraph reports Ronaldo will demand a move when he returns from holiday/injury recuperation.
AND THE OTHER ONE
After Martin O'Neill decided that there isn't a deadline on Gareth Barry's potential move to Liverpool, (all about which you can read here) the papers are inevitably full of their own theories about what will happen next.
Most actually play it with a fairly straight bat, simply saying the move to Liverpool is now expected to go through at some point.
However, The Sunday Express unleashes a Kevin Pietersen-style flamingo shot with the report that Arsenal are going to sneak in and buy Barry, with Justin Hoyte, Armand Traore and a 'substantial fee' going the other way.
Even though it largely goes against every transfer instinct in Arsene Wenger's body, the longer Liverpool dither over this one the more likely the move to Arsenal becomes.
NEW DEAL FOR DROGBA
Didier Drogba, despite apparently feeling sick when he first signed for Chelsea and making his intention to leave perfectly clear earlier this year, now looks like signing a new contract at Stamford Bridge.
More on that one here.
DIEGO BACK TO BLIGHTY
Interesting stuff in The People, with the paper reporting that the latest candidate to fill the striking role at Spurs is one Diego Forlan.
They claim a potential £18million move could hinge on whether or not Atletico Madrid make it through to the group stages of the Champions League.
Meanwhile, the rest of the papers still seem convinced that Andrei Arshavin is the man that Tottenham will be spending that sort of money on.
The Mail On Sunday claims they will have to pay £19million to Zenit St Petersburg, and make him the highest paid player at the club with wages in the region on £100,000-a-week.
However, it doesn't look like Roman Pavlyuchenko will be moving to White Hart Lane, with the Mail quoting Arshavin's Russian strike partner as saying he would rather play for Arsenal or Chelsea.
THE MOST LUDICROUS THING YOU'LL READ ALL YEAR
Elsewhere on Fleet Street, The News Of The World destroy any tiny scrap of credibility they may have held on to by suggesting Spurs would be willing to stump up the same amount for....wait for it....Dean Ashton!
And even more hilariously, West Ham will apparently turn the bid down!
They do have a quote from Hammers chief executive Scott Duxbury, who said: "Hell would have to freeze over for us to sell Dean to a major rival."
However, we suspect this merely suggests the story is utter b***ocks, or that Mr Duxbury hasn't heard the amount in question just yet.
THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD
More hilarity in The Mail On Sunday, who suggest that Arsenal will demand either £10million, or £7million plus Shay Given for...Phillipe Senderos.
Honestly, if this goes through for the amounts quoted then The Gossip Column will swim the length of the Thames. Naked. With Phillipe Senderos on our back.
AND THE REST...
Mark Hughes faces a fierce fight with his former club Blackburn to sign striker Roque Santa Cruz...Newcastle are at the centre of a massive £260million takeover battle between TWO of Asia's richest companies...West Brom hope to boost their squad for the Premier League with a £2milliion bid for Sheffield United midfielder Michael Tonge...Everton's move for Joao Moutinho has suffered a blow with Sporting Lisbon demanding the entire £18million fee up front...Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson is prepared to do old pal Alex McLeish a favour by selling young winger Lee Martin to Birmingham for £1.5million...Reading are preparing to sell England full-back Nicky Shorey for £4million - with Villa among the suitors...Manchester City are set to win the race to sign Nancy's Moroccan international Michael Chretien for £4million..Fulham hope to complete the singing of Andy Johnson this week - but they hope to get Everton to lower the asking price of £10.5million after his medical showed up a possible knee problem...Chelsea striker Andriy Shevchenko is inconsolable after his move back to AC Milan collapsed...Manchester United will turn their attention to Blackburn's Roque Santa Cruz - if the fail to land Spurs' Dimitar Berbatov...Newcastle defender Abdoulaye Faye wants to leave St James' Park - and West Brom and Stoke are interested in signing him. He will be allowed to leave for around £2million...Andre Bikey is set to leave Reading, with French clubs St Etienne and Rennes interested. "I'm open to a transfer," says the Cameroon international.