CHELSEA TO SIGN KAKA NEXT YEAR (AND ROBINHO NOW, NOT THAT THEY SOUND BOTHERED ABOUT HIM)
The cynic in the Gossip Column - no 'that must be uncomfortable, tell him to get out' jokes please - might think that the reason papers predict deals a year or so in advance is so no-one remembers when it never happens. After all, try to predict them for the next week and you can end up with egg on your face (see Lampard, Frank and Ronaldo, Cristiano).
However, impressed by the fancy accent on the second a of Kaka that we don't have on our keyboard, we'll give The Times the benefit of the doubt on their declaration that, 'Chelsea are determined to complete the world-record signing of Kaká, but they will have to wait until next year to do so.'
'The club view the pursuit of the Brazilian as a long-term project,' says the paper, before a worrying comparison for any Chelsea fans, 'similar to the one that led to them luring Andriy Shevchenko from the San Siro two years ago, and, after being rejected this summer, will make a renewed attempt to secure their dream signing in 12 months' time.'
However, it all depends on Chelsea smashing their own ridiculous wage structure. 'Kaká signed a new five-year contract worth £6.5million a year after tax in April, with its value rising every year until it expires in 2013,' says The Times, so 'Chelsea would have to smash their wage ceiling, based around the £135,000 a week earned by John Terry, to sign Kaká, which could cause problems with others in the dressing-room, particularly because Frank Lampard has just ended more than two years of tortuous negotiations by signing a deal that places him on the captain's level.'
The Blues are hopeful of bringing one Brazilian to Stamford Bridge this summer, though. 'Chelsea had a £19.7million bid rejected last week but are confident of success, particularly as the player's contract talks at Real appear to have stalled," the paper claims.
"He's the type of player who brings some difference to Chelsea and if we can bring that one off then he would add to the squad," says Peter Kenyon. "If it doesn't, then we're not going to win or lose because of Robinho."
They're not going to win or lose because of Daniel Sturridge either, but the Daily Mirror reckons they're putting in an £8m bid. Hmmm.
YAWN GARETH YAWN BARRY YAWN SAGA YAWN HERE
We're as bored of it as you, but if you want to know what the latest is after the Aston Villa midfielder scored in a European thrashing two days after suitors Liverpool bumbled to a 0-0 draw, have a look here.
MANYOO HOPE TO UNVEIL DIMITAR BERBATOV BEFORE SUNDAY
That subtle headline is intended to bring you the news that ManYoo hope to unveil Dimitar Berbatov before they kick off their Premier League campaign on Sunday.
'The Bulgarian striker is expected to join Sir Alex Ferguson's side for a staggering £28 after Spurs turned down a £23m offer,' says the Daily Star (we know, we know).
However, The Sun reckon Spurs would rather let the Bulgarian go to Barcelona on the cheap than sell him to ManYoo, so there could still be some twists and turns here.
He looks to be on his way though, which explains why...
...SPURS ARE IN FOR ROQUE SANTA CRUZ
Following rumoured interest from Aston Villa and a definite bid from Manchester City, Spurs have thrown their hat into the Roque Santa Cruz ring.
But The Independent is tipping Mark Hughes to see off the competition and arrange a reunion with his star signing from last summer, with Citeh apparently ready to increase their bid to £15m. That would be a ridiculously high percentage increase on what Blackburn paid for him, but still... they've sold Bentley, they've sold Friedel - if Santa Cruz goes too, could Rovers actually go down?
Oh wait, no, the Daily Mirror says they've included Robbie Fowler in their team photograph so look like they're definitely planning on having him around. Good stuff.
Meanwhile Man City are also interested in Spurs target (this is all a bit incestuous, isn't it?) Diego Milito, who would cost either of them £10m. But Sevilla have told Tottenham that Freddie Kanoute and Diego Capel are not for sale.
And Aston Villa, according to The Times, want to sign Kevin Doyle from Reading.
LET'S HAVE A SCOTTISH SECTION
Rangers are keen to appease their fans after selling their best player, and we can imagine the Ibrox faithful will be pleased to hear the Daily Telegraph's news that they could sign Pedro Mendes from Pompey for £3m.
No? Then how about the news that Cardiff defender Glenn Loovens has opted to sign for Celtic instead of Rangers?
Or the news that Rangers are scrabbling around for the change to afford Steve Davis. "We are being obliged to contemplate transfers of £6m, £8m and that type of figure, so it seems strange a club of that stature can only afford what they have offered us," says Roy Hodgson.
"I am perfectly happy to keep Steven. He is a good player and I would be very disappointed if the club allowed him to go for a sum of money that is below his worth."
EVERTON AND NEWCASTLE SCRAPPING OVER TIAGO
Rarely has as much money been spent on such an average player as the total amount that various clubs have wasted on Tiago over the years. And Everton and Newcastle are fighting to be the next.
The Daily Mail says Everton are favourites, with the midfielder apparently impressed by Bill Kenwright. Which is more than can be said right now for a few Everton fans we know.
AND THE REST
Bolton boss Gary Megson is hopeful of persuading striker Kevin Davies to sign a new deal before the start of the season...Olivier Kapo has told Steve Bruce he is unsettled at Wigan and wants to leave - just a month after joining the club from Birmingham...Derby midfielder Benny Feilhaber is set to sign for Danish side AGF Aarhus...Bristol Rovers have offered a deal to former Coventry striker Wayne Andrews...Ipswich are set to sign Newcastle striker Shola Ameobi in a £2.5million deal...Wycombe striker John Sutton is weighing up a surprise move to Motherwell...Man City, West Ham and Fulham are interested in Sparta Rotterdam's 19-year-old defender Dele Adeleye...Branislav Ivanovic's move from Chelsea to AC Milan is close to collapsing.